I feel terrible and you just don't understand. I'm the scapegoat. I'm like the best lamb in the herd and all the other lambs are jealous of me and they told the herder to sacrifice me at the next monthly meeting so that we could have some rain for the crops. They blame me for the drought, well maybe I'm just bad and I caused the pain. No, I really think they are just evil. All I wanted to do was be a part of things, and I get this! Imagine doing so much for everyone and trying to be seen and being treated like this. I just want to have someone see my pain and how hard I try. I'll tell someone new about my pain and that will feel better. They will understand and somehow the connection with God will finally happen because they have a stronger cable hooked up to God.
Others know something that I don't know. They can fix things. "Ms. Jones, do you know how I have been wounded and blamed for doing all the good things?" This will last me about 6 months and then when Ms. Jones scapegoats me I'll move right on. You really can't trust anybody, they have no heart, and besides, no one ever showed me how to nurture myself. Maybe it's too late. I'll just muddle through until the glorious angels come by on my last breath apologizing for the hardship I have endured, mind you for years.
As I was sitting under a tree it came to me that a spider's web was being created in the sunny mist of the tree branch I sat under. There was no pretense in what the spider was weaving, and only one focus in mind. No one was talking about what was being created or what was about to happen or how the food chain would appear. Suddenly, the spider fell on my head and my heart beat so fast, and I yelled and hollered shaking my body. A flash of thought crossed my mind. It occurred to me that my racing heart was in me. There all along and now beating very fast. Even though my mother had not held me to her heart, I could have one for me. No one had to teach me, or show me how to protect myself, I just did. I brushed that spider off of me and looked down in the grass to see where it was hiding and scurrying off to take care of itself. I have a heart for me and I need to protect myself and walk away from, and brush away danger. Listen up cause God is talking. I hear me say it's going to be okay. I'm going to release the need to tell others so that I can stop abusing myself. It is about me not listening. Of course no one will hear my pain. I have to hear it and stop telling it. I am the pain that needs to hear the beating rhythm of life that I chose.
Denise Spencer LMSW, BCD, DCSW, ACSW, CAC1 is a professional Psychospiritual therapist and founder and owner of Metro Family Support Counseling in Sterling Hts., Mi 586-274-4394. She is a Wayne State University graduate and works with multicultural populations MH/SA. Her philosophy in treatment is based on helping people to remember who they really are...a precious child of God.
Denise Spencer LMSW, BCD, DCSW, ACSW, CAC1 is a professional Psychospiritual therapist and founder and owner of Metro Family Support Counseling in Sterling Hts., Mi 586-274-4394. She is a Wayne State University graduate and works with multicultural populations MH/SA. Her philosophy in treatment is based on helping people to remember who they really are...a precious child of God.
