In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I recently started re-reading a book I've had for several years: Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages. I highly recommend it for individuals and couples and have referred my clients to it on occasion.
The main premise of the book--as I understand it--is that there are primarily five ways in which we give and receive love--partly naturally and partly through learning. These five primary ways include: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, physical touch. Think of this as a Myers-Briggs or Enneagram-like exploration of your core "love-type."
Think about yourself: of these five "love languages," are the a few that really stick out for you as the primary ways in which you tend to express your love to others? Are you the "touchy feely" type? Are you "the gift giver"? The "poet/poetess" or "sweet-talker"? Do you love helping others and doing favors? Or is it just quality time you tend to offer as one of your main gifts to others?
Now, think about the primary ways that you prefer to receive love or caring from others? Do you crave or somewhat cringe at touch? Do you get excited when you get gifts or not so much? Is quality time important or do favors and acts of service (from allowing you your space to doing the dishes) put you at ease or get your engine runnin'? Do you need or soak in praise or compliments or do you bat them away?
Where it gets really interesting is that, quite naturally (as the book says) we tend to give love in the language or way we wish to receive it. For instance, if I tend to crave touch I may just assume that my partner or other loved ones do as well. This ain't always the case; my partner may prefer kind words--at least as a prelude to touch--and kind words may not be as important for me to receive or may not be my natural inclination to offer.
Couples truly often are like the proverbial "ships passing in the night." One is speaking one love language and the other is speaking another. It would be like one partner speaks French and the other only speaks and understands Italian. It usually doesn't start off that way. Typically, early in a relationship--in the "infatuation phase" we may be speaking nearly all the love languages. Eventually, things tend to settle into our most early and natural ways of expressing and receiving love.
Most of these patterns are formed early in childhood. For example, perhaps our parents showered us with gifts so we learned that "gifts equal love" and we may have had fond memories of such. Thus, we may grow up giving gifts to others to express that same love, or giving gifts to ourselves to reward or soothe ourselves, or we may expect and crave gifts from others in order to feel they really love us, too! But a partner's primary way of expressing love may be very different.
In other cases, we may focus on what we didn't receive in early life and become fixated on that; we may have gotten nice gifts but never got kissed or hugged or never felt we were given quality time. Thus, we often crave an expression of love which we lacked; again, our partner may or may not be able to provide this naturally, consistently, or powerfully.
So, I highly recommend this book as a provocative and playful catalyst toward discovering more about yourself and your loved ones. The good news is that, through communication and practice, you and those close to you may be able to adapt, focus and practice the ways that best work for giving and receiving love.
Happy Valentine's Day! Whether you're with a partner or not or whether your relationship is going great or has been hitting some rough patches, The Five Love Languages might just be the book that opens up a new window of possibility for you.
Terrence Daryl Shulman , is a Detroit area therapist, attorney, author, and consultant. He is the founder and Director of The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft & Spending. He is the author “Bought Out and $pent! Recovery from Compulsive $hopping and $pending” (2008), “Biting The Hand That Feeds: The Employee Theft Epidemic… New Perspectives, New Solutions” (2005) and “Something for Nothing: Shoplifting Addiction and Recovery” (2003). Mr. Shulman can be reached at terrenceshulman@theshulmancenter.com or 248-358-8508. His websites include www.theshulmancenter.com and www.shopaholicsanonymous.org. Mr. Shulman does counseling and consulting locally and by phone.
Terrence Daryl Shulman , is a Detroit area therapist, attorney, author, and consultant. He is the founder and Director of The Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft & Spending. He is the author “Bought Out and $pent! Recovery from Compulsive $hopping and $pending” (2008), “Biting The Hand That Feeds: The Employee Theft Epidemic… New Perspectives, New Solutions” (2005) and “Something for Nothing: Shoplifting Addiction and Recovery” (2003). Mr. Shulman can be reached at 