We all are aware that the progress we make on our spiritual path has no right or wrong regardless of how we judge it – there are only lessons to be learned. However – many people use that as a justification to allow their path to be long and painful, filled with years of processing with little resolution in sight.
Even if there is no right or wrong regarding our process – we can still be honest and acknowledge when we are attached to the journey and afraid of the destination. So often we define ourselves by our suffering – after all, who would we be without our story – that we are afraid to let go of of it! We are uncertain what freedom might feel like and the level of self-responsibility required! Oh dear!
As a result, we perpetuate our story by saying “we are working on it” – and as long as we are working on it we never have to let it go. We can remain attached and savor the juiciness of the pain that defines our ego-mind rather than taking a leap of faith into the mystery of who we are and our freedom.
Here’s an example. Let’s say you are processing your issues and story with your mentor and you clearly understand there are multiple points of view about what happened and you can see them very clearly. But then a moment later you resort back to your old story with the same language again. Such a conversation might look like this:
Martyr: My father was such a jerk making me go to law school and work in a job that I can’t stand. He won’t acknowledge that he screwed up my life. Can’t he see how hard I am working, I have a family to support and can’t change careers now? Every day I suffer his pushing me and I can never live up to his vision of a successful lawyer anyway.
Mentor: Okay understood. Can you understand that your father came from no money and crawled his way up the ladder of success and he did not wish the same for you? He wanted you to have a good life financially and be able to give your family anything they needed. His pushing you was not (and is not) to hurt you or ruin your life, but to make it easier. I’m not saying it is right – I am simply saying this is his perspective. It sounds like you believe your father was purposely trying to ruin your life.
Martyr: Of course I know my dad did his best. As the youngest child – my grandfather had no money to help him and he did everything himself. He worked like a dog to help my mom and us kids have everything we wanted. But he was never there for us and always ragged me to do better.
Mentor: Okay, so your father was doing what he felt was required of him by society at the time. But that has nothing to do with you. Do you realize that you had a choice – you did not have to go to law school and even now you can change careers if you wanted? Your family would support your happiness, you are lucky to have a great wife who loves you. In addition, are you also saying you never encourage your children to do better – is it not possible that sometimes they feel like you are riding them and you are so unhappy that you are not there for them either?
Martyr: No, I don’t have a choice, you don’t understand – that jerk ruined my life and he won’t take responsibility for what he did. If I am unhappy it’s his fault.
Mentor: You mean you ruined your life and you won’t take responsibility for your situation. It is easier for you to blame it on your dad so you don’t have to take a chance doing something else. Because if you did and it didn’t work out you would have no one to blame it on but yourself and you would have to give up your sad story of the abused, tortured and martyred son. If you gave that up – who would you be in the world and what would you cling to?
Right now you know exactly what to expect in your life and your pain is the perfect amount for you to handle – that is guaranteed. But if you step out on a limb, forgive your father, and go into the unknown in creating a new life for yourself – that is not guaranteed. So as much as you say you want personal freedom on your spiritual path – you are lying to me and to yourself first and foremost, right?
Perhaps you see yourself in this story – it is simply one example of the concept of being attached to your process and story and being afraid of the destination of freedom. If you can relate to this in any way, I hope it encourages you to make a commitment to yourself for the New Year to see the truth and let it set you free ♥.
If any of the above behaviors are creating havoc in your life – consider taking advantage of the special Clarity Sessions that I am offering until the end of this year. I would love to be able to assist you in letting those old stories go!
Dr. Sheri Rosenthal DPM is a master Toltec teacher and the author of 